Friday!!!

Yay! It's Friday! I'm so done with this flubbing school. I can now just go home and enjoy the delights of not having to deal with people (only for a couple hours, then my mom gets home). I can listen to music without someone telling me to take my earbuds out. I honestly feel like it should be illegal to tell a student that is listening to music to take their earbuds out; I mean, if they were being productive, I don't see how the music was at all a distraction. For me, music is pretty necessary to keep me focused, and I'm not just saying that as an argument against the rule. I'm serious. I am a lot more focused with music playing that without it. Right now, I'm listening to music, while being productive.

Anyway, back to thoughts on Friday. Tomorrow, I technically have to be here, in support of all the Creative Writing majors (for all of you don't know, I go to an arts school, and I major in Creative Writing). It's called the Playwright's Festival, and basically, today, I go and introduce myself as an actor, and then the writers write plays based on what costumes and props the actors brought. Then, the next day (tomorrow), the actors come in and rehearse their scripts. Later that night, we perform. It's pretty intense and cut throat, but fun. I'm excited. Also, I'm in The Addams Family, so after introducing myself, I go straight to rehearsal. My weekend is pretty packed. But after I have basically the whole week to do what I want.

I'm going to Canada on Tuesday, which should be interesting, considering the fact that I'm going with my best friend. I'm just waiting to see how that turns out. We'll see, I guess.

Why?

I feel so alone in this world, no matter how many people are around me, talking to me. All their words bleed together into an orb of sound that I want so badly to avoid. I am better off alone, and people don't understand that until I am forcing myself away from them, isolating myself. I suppose you could say it was my fault for staying involved, but, while I enjoy my solitude, I can't bring myself to hurt their feelings. So I try to leave hints that I'm broken, too broken to put back together, and no one wants me. No one should want me. Just leave me alone. When I'm alone, I'm better. All I need is myself, solitude, and the words of authors and lyricists to keep me alive. Barely alive, but when am I actually going to be alive, anyways? I'm always barely above the surface of the water, barely breathing, and one day, someone is going to push me under and hold me there until I die. All our lives, us humans stumble and trudge through our lives, searching for things like happiness, peace. There is only one place that you can actually find these things; in your mind. If you spend your whole life, searching for something like an apparition, that will never really be there, I must say, you're stupid. These things only exist in you head. They aren't real. If you can finally come to terms with that, and find that happiness that you've been searching for somewhere in the back of you mind, buried in a dusty, old chest, then you might actually be going somewhere. I know I'm not.

Plague

This plague is contagious
to those who fall easily.
It passes from person to person,
eating away at their minds.
Well, it starts with the mind.
It steals away your happy memories,
your good thoughts,
replacing them with the dense,
wide blackness that begins to take over.
This void opens up,
swallowing all of your self esteem,
your ability to look at yourself through the world's eyes.
Or worse;
you see yourself through nothing but the world's eyes.
The Plague then begins to devour your soul,
breaking off bits and pieces at a time,
until you're on your knees.
Until you have the razor to your wrist,
the pills in your hand,
standing on the ledge,
wanting nothing more than to
Die.

Live In The Lyrics

When I feel like I'm going to hurt someone (maybe even myself) I just turn on music. It's the most effective remedy, for me, at least. No matter what you're feeling, there has to be a song out there that you can relate to your situation or predicament. I use music to drown out my mind, forget life for a moment, just live in the lyrics. Music has always been there for me, as corny as that sounds, and that's why I get extremely offended when people insult it. When you're insulting music, you're insulting someone else's work.

Staying Strong

Do you ever have those days where you feel like everyone is trying to stop you from succeeding, standing right in front of you, blocking your path? Lately, this has been everyday. It's difficult to stay strong, stand your ground when you have people walking right beside you the whole time, putting their foot out in front of you, hoping you'll fall. People who have everything don't understand what they're taking away from those who are already without. Like pretty girls, conceited girls; they have a great self esteem, and their view of the world is different because of that. They, most of the time, think that everyone has the same self esteem level, everyone feels as good about themselves, and they make it their mission to tear it down. What they don't even realize is that their stripping wallpaper off of an already bare wall when they try to make me feel worse about myself. The only thing that keeps me poised is the thought that they don't know any better; they're ignorant. They're obviously ignorant to the fact that them acting on the way I feel about myself is in vein; I've already hit rock bottom, and I don't have the power to pull out the jackhammer, go beneath the surface. They can't make me feel worse about myself. It's utterly impossible.