Thoughts Of A Father I Never Knew

Old Man,
It's been about a year since we last really talked.
Even longer since we last stood right outside your door and knocked.
Of course, there was no answer,
Now we're subbing in our tears with laughter,
And now our hearts are beating faster, until they just stop.
Wishing it could be the end of this chapter, but I know that it's not.
Praying it all would just cease to matter, but I  know it won't stop.
Old Man, I'm distraught, exhausted from this war that I've fought
And am still fighting,
So I lace my pain in writing, lack of love biting,
Head filled with voiceless thoughts.

No, I never thought you could destroy me,
Tears I cry for you exploit me,
You left me all alone and empty;
Devoid of the love of a man who I learned would never be there,
The spot that I saved for you will stay bare,
"Man, fuck this shit, I don't even care, no more!"

Wish I could say these words and mean them,
But the perfect father, I still dream him,
Keeps his promises, don't breach them,
Three words, "I love you," he repeats them,
Close my eyes, when I sleep I meet him,
Hold out my arms, but I can't reach him,
It's just no use, you'll never be him.

I Wrote This On An Algebra Test

I've found that, regardless of what you do and how hard you try, eventually, you're going to change. I've struggled with the thought and the concept of me changing for years, now. I'm afraid that someday, I"ll turn into someone I don't want to be, or someone that I've promised my whole life I would never become. And yet here I am, failing pretty much every single class I'm taking, regardless of my vow to myself to always put school first. Marijuana and seduction becoming a larger part of my life than the things that I was once convinced mattered more than anything in the world. They tell you people change, but they never tell you whether or not it's going to be for the better. That's the part you end up accidentally falling into on your own. And now, I'm trapped in a mind full of horrible decisions and temptation, broken relationships that I swore would last and pending anger. And all I can really do is hope that somewhere at the end if this phase, I will be able to find myself again, finally beyond all the negativity that I, myself created.