Exhausted Chaos

 Constantly walking the line;

existing solely in a grey area that

leaves me feeling reminiscent - 

though I tilt my chin toward the future.

Melting into the background of my own existence.

Blurred double vision causing the world to sway around me.

I am trapped in a 

rhythm-less march;

an intoxicating dance that I perform

at the top of each morning.

Thoughts cannot be securely fastened to my mind

in these moments.

Sunrise marks the beginning of

another slumber-some day,

and that bright orb hanging

somehow crookedly in the sky strings me along

through blazing afternoons and into

lulling evenings.

Lukewarm Regret

 Numb for the foreseeable future.

No fantasies left fulfillable.

Daydreams and night terrors weave themselves

in and out of reality.

The fears that once lived dwelling deep

in darkness have found the sunbathed surface.

They're everywhere;

melting on the sidewalks in the smothering heat.

Draped over the backs of chairs.

A longing for something unidentifiable

compacted under layers of uncertainty and denial.

A calm current of regret has replaced

the drinking water flowing through the pipes

in a house built on a foundation that sways

like the dying flame of a half-lit candle.

Contaminated

 The desperation for forgiveness

clouds the air and my judgement.

A magnifying glass to your actions

would expose a betrayal that 

makes my throat thick and my mouth water

with words that I swallow - 

they burn holes in my stomach.

I wore a mask of apathy 

to cover the confusion that lived on 

inside of me for one full year.

One full year...

I watched the seasons pass

in a lulling blur through eyes that were

hardly my own,

my belly always burning;

a fire born from uncertainty 

and self doubt.

I changed my mask to one of anger

to hide the agony that

tore through me for years to follow.

The truth had been pure,

but my trust was contaminated

by the threat of lies that never left my lips.

Safe.

 I am not safe here

or with anyone,

anywhere I go at the moment.

I need to protect myself 

from my own thoughts,

my inner earworms whisper

words of doubt.

In order to protect myself from

the depths of my own mind

it seems I have to 

dive in a bit deeper first.

I am not safe here;

my mind is under attack

and my body feels hollow.

I need water,

I need shelter,

I need peace of mind.

I am not safe here,

but I wouldn't be safe there either,

would I?

Defeated is my pride,

deflated is the balloon that once

carried my spirits sky-high.

I am not safe here

where the floor is sandpaper and

my knees keep buckling beneath me.

Where a hiccup means

the end of my world as I know it,

my personal apocalypse at the height of

my own stuttered breath.

Disheveled Garden (wip)

 The world abruptly tilts on its axis

and the wind tears through me.

Like the twisters forming rapidly in the clouds,

I am on a destructive rampage-

unaware until it is too late

and never equipped with the 

proper tools to rebuild.

I wallow in my ruins,

idle among the rubble and debris 

in the aftermath.

I weep for rose bushes,

roots ripped from the earth and

launched aimlessly into the sky…

…my fingers once bled with 

care and tenderness,

from all the time spent

pruning leaves and watering soil;

hoping to grow something unconditional 

and fearless.

control or lack thereof

 Our sense of security is only as strong as our gauge of the control we have over the things around us;

ever-wavering. Forever rippling in and out of itself in an attempt to find some balance. The scale is rapidly tipping back and forth, and we yearn for nothing more than to even out this weight. We've lost control of the things that are now beyond our grasp, so we stress and scrutinize over the things we think we can touch, though those things are just as fleeting as a watercolor painting submerged in rain. As fleeting as the last drop of sunlight as the sun dives below the horizon. As fleeting as the smoke you exhale from the final drag of your last cigarette. 

A Night and Day Trip

 An overwhelming sense of peace

washes over the tops of the trees as they

dance in the same cool breeze

that lifts my spirits.

Carrying leaves and pollen and mute colors

through the air around me as I

slowly inhale a beautiful shade of

pale orange. I let it

flow through me, calming the current of

blood coursing through my veins relentlessly.

My fingers twirl in the wind,

graceful but curious, seeking something

solid to grab hold of.

The sky looms closely to the tops of

tall buildings, threatening to collapse and

send the structures crumbling 

to the ground. All the stars hide shyly

behind the low purple clouds casting

a filmy layer of mystery and doubt across

the lid of the world.

Corners filled with darkness are

too inviting to trust;

shadows twisting and bending

at the will of any light I can find,

and I wield it as a weapon against

the unknown that whispers of swallowing me.