Contaminated

 The desperation for forgiveness

clouds the air and my judgement.

A magnifying glass to your actions

would expose a betrayal that 

makes my throat thick and my mouth water

with words that I swallow - 

they burn holes in my stomach.

I wore a mask of apathy 

to cover the confusion that lived on 

inside of me for one full year.

One full year...

I watched the seasons pass

in a lulling blur through eyes that were

hardly my own,

my belly always burning;

a fire born from uncertainty 

and self doubt.

I changed my mask to one of anger

to hide the agony that

tore through me for years to follow.

The truth had been pure,

but my trust was contaminated

by the threat of lies that never left my lips.

Safe.

 I am not safe here

or with anyone,

anywhere I go at the moment.

I need to protect myself 

from my own thoughts,

my inner earworms whisper

words of doubt.

In order to protect myself from

the depths of my own mind

it seems I have to 

dive in a bit deeper first.

I am not safe here;

my mind is under attack

and my body feels hollow.

I need water,

I need shelter,

I need peace of mind.

I am not safe here,

but I wouldn't be safe there either,

would I?

Defeated is my pride,

deflated is the balloon that once

carried my spirits sky-high.

I am not safe here

where the floor is sandpaper and

my knees keep buckling beneath me.

Where a hiccup means

the end of my world as I know it,

my personal apocalypse at the height of

my own stuttered breath.