Deep within, I feel desire turning over in my mind. I know what I'm doing and I don't, but I know, either way, I should be able to make it through. This feeling is awful and terrific, taking over the core of my heart and the center of my mind. Lust is something hard to control and is often mistaken for real feelings of the more internalized type. I don't ever want to cause anyone any pain, but I can't control my feelings, and I damn well can't control anyone else's. But I'm aware of my actions and how reckless they are, and I know that my mind is traveling to a darker place, where I don't know how to tell the difference between what I really want and what I feel I must have. I could simply recite the stupid mantra that my generation feels hopelessly tied to - YOLO - and continue on with my thoughtless behavior, but I've never had the upper hand when it comes to my suitors and their emotions, and I'm not such a horrible person that I would hold someone's insecurities in my palm and my mind just to disregard them and use them to my advantage. I could never be so cruel. I wish I could say, outright, what's on my mind. Maybe if I could, there wouldn't be so much of their blood on my hands from the blows that I have no control of. But I must remain silent, for fear of shattering them completely and for fear of disregarding my own dignity. For fear of dissolving the facade I've built from the beginning of the timeline to now.
"I'm addicted to hurting."
-EDEN
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